The Boat

Once upon a time, there was a man who had a boat. This boat was no ordinary boat, oh no, it was a magic boat, and it could do all kinds of magic things. It could make an entire class of 6th form English pupils whinge and whine, and then stare blankly at a passage for a whole hour, whilst writing a lot of nonsense, for it could control their minds. Oh yes it could.

One day, somebody wrote about this boat. It was a small, ugly, evil troll wizard called Conrad. He was so jealous of the man who had this boat that he wrote a story to try and make the boat seem really dull and boring. This did not work, oh no, because the story about the boat had the same magical powers as the boat did, and anybody who read the story about the boat suffered the same symptoms.

When Conrad the small evil ugly troll wizard discovered this, he was very angry indeed. He stamped and screamed and yelled until his neighbours complained to the local authorities about a breach of the peace and noise pollution, and he had a restraining order put on him, for he lived in a respectable neighbourhood, and what was tolerated on a housing estate was not acceptable in a quiet cul-de-sac, not even from a troll wizard such as Conrad. Conrad was very angry about the restraining order and he wanted to do something to relieve his tension. Then, he had an evil idea...

He decided to destroy the magic boat completely. He could use his wizardry, for he was a troll wizard, but this was 1996, and semtex was widely available on the black market. He bought himself a lot of semtex, because he knew that the magic boat would be very difficult to destroy. He also made a detonator, to make the semtex make a very big bang indeed.

Using his magic powers, for Conrad was a troll wizard, he made a bomb and disguised it as a harmless nuclear warhead (he hadn't practised his magical powers, and had intended to disguise it as a half-submerged bamboo fence). He now had to get the big, non-magical bomb onto the magic boat. He dressed up in some oily rags, and carried the bomb onto the magic boat, claiming that it was the photocopier that had now been repaired. He walked calmly off the magic boat, and then started skipping around and cackling wildly. After a few brief moments, the magic boat exploded into a million tiny fragments. Conrad was ecstatic that he had destroyed the magic boat once and for all.

However, Conrad the small evil ugly troll wizard was sued by the man who had owned the magic boat for:

1. Attempting to make his lovely magic boat seem dull and boring and
2. Completely destroying his lovely magic boat with 100kg of semtex.

Conrad had to pay the man who had owned the magic boat a lot of money - £5000000, but he magicked it out of thin air, and they all lived happily ever after, apart from the man who had owned the magic boat, for he no longer had a boat that was even a bit magic, which is much better than £5000000, and also apart from the magic boat, because it was dead, and Conrad the small evil ugly troll wizard's neighbours, because he never stopped cackling wildly, and he ate all their children. And the 6th formers who have to read Conrad the small evil ugly troll wizard's story. So only Conrad really did live happily ever after.

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