Conrad And The Seven Dwarfs

Once upon a time, there were nine dwarfs, but nine is a stupid number, so they used to have to take it in turns to hide away in pairs, while the others slid pizzas and pancakes under the door occasionally so they wouldn't starve to death.

One day, there was a knock at the door. Fatty answered it, and the man at the door was not a man at all but a small evil ugly troll wizard called Conrad, who was on the run from the police for cannibalism, having magic powers, regicide, infanticide, wifeicide, and previously smelling of urine but then having a wash. Fatty, being far too busy deciding what to eat, just let Conrad into the house. Before he knew what had happened, Conrad the small evil ugly troll wizard had swallowed him, his overgrown mutated stomach and his chubby cheeks whole. The remaining eight dwarfs were quite pleased about that, because Fatty was a drain on their resources of food, and it meant that only one of them had to hide away. They weren't so keen on the idea that he had eaten one of their friends and could do the same thing again.

Conrad settled in very nicely. However, Skinny also disappeared while he was hiding away, but despite Conrad's claims that he had hung himself due to loneliness, and he had magicked the body away to avoid distressing the others, his lack of appetite at dinner did not go unnoticed.

One day, Snow White knocked on the door. Conrad saw her as a threat to his authority, and he locked her away in the cellar. The seven dwarfs found this out and were very angry with Conrad. They threw him out of their house, and told him never to darken their door again, because he kept painting it black.

Conrad the small evil ugly troll wizard was very upset, and he magicked some heroin out of thin air and went on a binge. He shot up and slipped into a coma in the gutter. But this was all part of his plan to have his revenge on those nasty dwarfs. When Silly walked past, he felt deep sympathy for Conrad the small evil ugly troll wizard, and took him back to the house for caring, for Snow White was a qualified nurse and Drugscounsellory was a drugs counsellor.

Before they knew what had hit them, the door which they had painted white had been magicked black again, and Snow White had mysteriously disappeared while attending to Conrad. But he couldn't have done it, because he was still in a coma... Except that he wasn't. It was all part of his evil plan to avenge the dwarfs.

By the end of the week, Conrad had eaten all the dwarfs and had the house all to himself. They all lived happily ever after, except for the seven dwarfs, because Conrad the small evil ugly troll wizard had eaten all nine of them, and Snow White, because Conrad had magicked her into a magic boat to sail away on, and the police, because they couldn't catch him, and the children that Conrad the small evil ugly troll wizard had magicked out of thin air to eat when he was a bit peckish. Well, at least Conrad lived happily ever after.

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