Conrad Goes To A Birthday Party

Once upon a time, there was a small, evil, ugly troll wizard named Conrad. He wasn't evil, or at least, that's what he told himself whenever he saw that another small child had been killed by the 'Serial Child Eater' on the news. In fact, he derived great amusement from seeing the latest Photofit of him on Crimewatch, mainly because they always made a complete mess of it - it always ended up looking like a very bad passport photo - i.e. bloody awful. Conrad couldn't understand why they never had a picture of him smiling, or with a leg protruding from his mouth, as he was invariably one of those all of the time. One day, fed up with it, he sent in a proper photo of himself. With a wig on. And a Ronald Reagan mask. And a stocking over his head. He was rather pleased with the effect of a hardened criminal that it had, although he did get some very odd looks from the people outside the passport photo booth in the police station.

Conrad got very bored. And he got bored very easily. And when he got very bored, Conrad wished he was like normal people i.e. normal. And so one night, after watching his Crimewatch videos, Conrad decided to go out. He magicked some cans of lager and decided to walk into the city centre. After a long walk, mainly because he didn't go in a straight line from his flat above a shop in Queen Street, Conrad got about as far as a pub called the 'Angel Tavern' before getting tired. Before he could get to the bar, he had to get down a flight of nasty stairs. He contemplated sliding down the banister but eventually decided to throw himself down, saving energy and magic powers.

After 10 minutes, Conrad came round. He was being nursed by a girl called Murad, who told him it was her birthday, and her friend, who kept on telling him with very slurred speech that he was "Gorgeous". She must have thought he was almost dead, because shortly after him gaining consciousness, she tried to give him mouth to mouth resuscitation.

Murad and her friend encouraged Conrad to go to "Metro's", and because he liked his new found friends, especially the girl who tried to resuscitate him, he agreed, even though he had never heard of this "Metro's" place before. They carried him to a small side alley, with a long, long queue, but Conrad spotted something and ran off cackling wildly. He had seen a sign at the bottom of the alley that said "NO DUMPING" and so went and did a poo there, just to show the bastards that they couldn't try to control HIS bowel movements.

Eventually, they got to the front of the queue, where a nice big bouncing bloke asked Conrad,

"Do you have any idea?"

Mystified, Conrad asked the bouncer what he was supposed to have any idea about, to which the bouncer, who was a bit thick, looked at him blankly, confused, and let him go past.

Murad and her friend went to the bar, and Murad's friend bought Conrad a drink which she claimed was lager, and which Conrad said was watered down rat's piss. Both of them were right.

Then they went to dance. "Aha!" thought Conrad, as he had learned ballroom dancing when he was bored one night. He took both of Murad's hands, and tried to do the Tango with her, but she didn't know any of the steps, and they kept on bumping into people with long hair and no faces who were jumping up and down.

Conrad, whilst attempting a triple pirouette, fell into a big, hideously fat, burly man with a beard, and spilled the man's drink everywhere. The man, somewhat displeased, punched Conrad. Conrad wasn't having any of that, so he tried to use his magic powers (for Conrad was a troll wizard) to make the man's beard turn into a white rabbit which he could then put into a hat and make disappear. However, because of his state of almost total inebriation, Conrad turned the man into the Antichrist, who was about to wreak devastation onto the whole planet when he was thrown out by one of the bouncers simply for fun. His self-confidence ruined, Satan went to Zeus in search of a cheap slapper to cheer him up a bit. Needless to say, he was not disappointed.

Meanwhile, Conrad, unable to afford a drink, and drained of his magic powers (oh yes) because he'd used them all, the silly fool, went and sat down so that he could drink the piss that drips from the ceiling. Murad had disappeared onto the dance floor, and her friend had given up on Conrad and was lying, almost unconscious, by the bar. Conrad, after a few moments of impressing people with his tales of how he had met kings, been in fairy tales and on the TV in "Crimewatch" and "Police Camera Action!" (because he had driven down the Channel Tunnel towards a rapidly oncoming train for a bet), he decided to go home in time to see the late showing of "Crimestoppers" to laugh at all the mouths at the beginning.

Everybody lived happily ever after, except Murad, because she had to carry her friend home, Murad's friend, because she completely failed to pull Conrad, Satan because he had a fight with Zeus over who was the better god and lost, the bouncers in Metro's because they all died of heart disease before they reached 30, and the owner of Metro's, because all the little kids they used to let in mysteriously never came again. In fact, only Conrad lived happily ever after.

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