Conrad 5 - Conrad goes to school

Once upon a time, there was a small, ugly, evil troll wizard named Conrad. He had been on many adventures because he was wanted by the police in 26 countries. Conrad, being devious and scheming decided he needed to go into hiding for a few years, until interpol had calmed down a bit.

One day Conrad walked past a big school. He knew it was a school because there was a big white sign with "SCHOOL" written on it in big red letters. There were also some other words on the sign, but Conrad was virtually illiterate, and could not read them. In fact, the only reason Conrad recognised the word "school" was because when he was hungry he ate children.

"What better place to hide away than in a school , where there are lots of small, ugly, evil people, and pupils as well" Conrad thought.

He walked eagerly into the school, and shouted at a big man without a moustache,

"I want to go to school here!"

"Put your uniform on at once, "

said the man without a moustache, and walked off. Conrad followed him for a while, doing silly dances and pulling rude faces, until he got bored. He decided to get a uniform. Luckily for Conrad he was a troll wizard. He remembered a magic spell and, hey presto! he had a uniform. He put on the nice red blouse and black skirt, and went to registration.

Conrad managed to get into a year 7 class, by using his powers of skill, cunning and writing his name on the register. The teacher was a bit curious about his surname being 'Thetrollwizard' but, as I said earlier, Conrad was almost illiterate. Year 7 pupils are very gullible, and so Conrad found it easy to entice them into his sandwiches. However, Conrad was not always careful enough, and he was caught gnawing on a dismembered leg bone at lunchtime more than once.

One day, Conrad was told by his form teacher to go and see the headmaster. Outside the headmaster's office, there were two traffic lights, one red, the other green. The green light was on so Conrad walked in without knocking.

"Have you no manners young man?"

asked the headteacher who was the nasty man without a moustache.

"No," replied Conrad, "have you?"

The nasty man without the moustache gave him a very nasty look.

"Conrad, have you been eating other children?" he asked.

"No," replied Conrad, "have you?"

" That's irrelevant. Oh well, it must be that girl Murad, or her friend that looks like a potato that's been eating them all..."

" It can't be her," said Conrad, "I ate her at breaktime."

Conrad then realised what a stupid thing he had just said.

"Oh dear !" he exclaimed (OK he didn't shout "oh dear" but what he did shout was very, very rude) and he made a dash for the door . However the traffic light was red, and so Conrad stopped and waited for it to change to green. The nasty man without a moustache, because he was very stupid, stopped as well. Then he realised that it was him that controlled the traffic lights, and so walked over to his desk to flip the switch. When he turned round, Conrad was gone. His secretary came in.

"Would you like a glass of squash, Mr. Yeti?" she asked.

"Yes, yes. " he said, and tried to remember what he had just been doing.

Conrad ran as fast as possible, jumped over a fence and went through some woods, until he was a long, long way away from school. Everybody lived happily ever after, except the teachers and pupils at the school, because the inspectors closed it down. In fact, not even Conrad lived happily ever after, because he had laddered his tights.

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