Diary of an ancestor

Entry 1

Cedric has been doing that thing again. He knows it infuriates me.

"Stop it." I told him, but he's too old now to want to listen to what his father says. I remember my grandfather telling me that, in his day, scarcely anybody did that kind of thing – and those that dared were ostracised. To the best of my knowledge, Cedric is the first in my line who has succumbed.

This morning I saw him up there again, and it made me embarrassed to have begotten him, the way he was so shameless. I tugged at one of his legs, in an effort to bring him back to ground, but he remained, for all the world as though he were supposed to be like that.

"It simply won't do," I said to his mother, "I won't have any son of mine carrying on with that kind of behaviour."
"Oh come on," she replied impatiently, "it's not as though you were never tempted."

The frown which crossed my face evidently did nothing to dissuade her, for she continued thusly:

"I remember seeing you when you were younger, trying your hardest, straining, but never quite making it."
"Nonsense, I never did anything of the sort" I countered, definitively, against this untrue accusation.
"Oh, but you did" she said, with a twinkle in her eye. "It was one of the reasons I took an interest in you in the first place."

I harrumphed and, with what little interest I had had in this line of conversation now evaporated, peeled a banana. We didn't speak again for the rest of the day.

Entry 2

I did not sleep well last night, for whilst I knew that Cedric was now lying down safely in his bed, tomorrow he would once again be up to no good with his friends, who I am sure are a bad influence on him. It's only been the last year, since he's been approaching maturity, that he's taken to hanging out with that bunch, and copying whatever stupid stunts they try to pull. Making an exhibition of themselves.

I took him aside today, in a futile attempt to persuade him to abandon these ways.

"Cedric," I said, trying my utmost to sound patient and reasonable to the misguided boy, "it simply isn't natural."
"My natural inclination is to do so" he replied, obstinately, and showed no desire to desist in his misbehaviour. I had not wanted to play so strong a card, but he left me nowhere else to go, and so, hot-faced, I asked:
"Why would God have given us four legs if he had only intended us to stand on two?"
"Oh for goodness sake father!"

He shook his head and walked off and, though wounded at his dismissive reaction, I took some satisfaction in the fact that he had not yet perfected walking on his hind legs, and had to drop down to his full four feet to move away from me.

Entry 3

Cedric came to me this afternoon.

"I was thinking about what you said yesterday, about God giving us four legs to walk on."
"What of it?" I abrupted.
"Well, why did he give us four, and birds only two?"

I pondered his question for a moment, searching within myself for the right answer.

"Because birds are much lighter than we are, and so he realised they needed less support."

At this he snorted.

"What then of the humble beetle, a hundred of which could not outweigh a bird? What use has the beetle for six legs? Surely weighing less still than a bird, it would require but one leg on which to hop."

Laughing to himself, he retreated to his friends who, after a short, inaudible discussion (and as if I didn't know what they were talking about), began chuckling amongst themselves.

I went to one of the wisers, to discover what I had misunderstood about God's ways. He advised me that there are things it is not possible for us to comprehend but that, in his wisdom, God knows precisely what he's doing.

Entry 4

I fear Cedric may be placing himself in danger of divine retribution. I admitted the mistake I made yesterday to him, and explained what the wiser had said. He reacted with only marginally less derision than he had done before, and exclaimed that if that was the case, then perhaps it was part of God's plan for him to be standing on his hind legs.

"Perhaps," he added for good measure, "birds used to have four legs, but once they learned to stand on only two of them, God turned their other two legs into wings. Perhaps one day God will let me fly!"

This time it was my turn to laugh mockingly at his naivite, though as I have said, his reaction also worried me that God may punish him for speaking in such a way. For his part, he looked hurt that I found him amusing.

Entry 5

I consulted the wiser again, and, in the hope of him shedding more light on the situation, told him what Cedric had said.

"The boy may be correct" he said.

There was a prolonged silence, as this bold statement had shocked me. He broke it.

"For some reason, God may wish your son and the others to use only their rear legs. It is as much a mystery to me as it is to you why he would wish this to be so, but nonetheless it is a possibility."

Wanting to hear no more of this claptrap, and thinking the old man senile, I thanked him brusquely for his time. I went off to confront Cedric. He was, of course, standing with his front legs waving uselessly in the air. A handful of others, of both sexes, were doing the same.

"I do not want to have to tell you again!" I shouted up at him. "You will get back down on four feet! I order you!"

One of his associates giggled nervously, but I cast a stern look at her which made her quiet.

"What are you all doing this for, when it's against the very grain of things?"

The group, which had been a cheery babble of vague excitement, had by now descended into silence.

"Er, sir..." one of them began nervously after a pause. All attention, mine included, focused immediately upon this apologist. He summoned his thoughts, and spoke again.

"When we do this, we can see the things around us better."
"That's patently absurd," I retorted, "how can you see things better when you're too far from the ground to see them properly?"
"There's more to see in this world than what's under your nose, sir" he responded, and looked around nodding at his fellow conspirators, evidently thinking this comment very clever indeed.

Anger welled up inside me at the apparent consensus among these delinquents that I was an obstacle to be humoured, and nothing more. My normally good temper so ruined, I reared up and, with my full weight behind my front two legs, struck the offender squarely in the chest. He easily toppled backwards, such was the instability of his posture. Applauding myself, I let out a cry of triumph as he landed with a satisfying thump. It was only after the first flood of victory had washed through me that I noticed all eyes were not on their fallen comrade, but on me.

"You can do it too!" Cedric whooped, as I tottered.

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